who owns who?

perhaps this is mostly me fumbling to make sense of the ins and outs of everyday, but my life seems to take on themes. right now, it feels like the theme that keeps coming up is digital hyperconnectivity and anxiety. ben got the ball rolling on his blog a few weeks ago. it's definitely worth following the conversation on his blog. my contribution was the thought that with technology, like all things, we must find a balance rather than clinging to simple extremes.

then, a week ago i listened to an excellent podcast on econtalk. econtalk is my weekly chance to listen to people who are smarter than me talk about things i don't understand. actually, whether you care about economics, markets, and human social behavior or not, it's a really interesting podcast. one of my favorite traits of the show's host, russ roberts, is that he has plenty of guest who hold opinions that differ from his own and engages them in honest, tame discussion.

my like for econtalk aside, i really enjoyed a recent podcast in which roberts interviewed author mark helprin. though they ostensibly were debating intellectual copyright, about halfway through the show, they begin to discuss humans and technology. helprin makes a good point that rather than technology making our lives easier, it often forces us to bend to it, making our lives more complicated for the sake of productivity. he notes after all that has changed about this world, humans still need food, friends/family, and rest. this thought is at once obvious and revolutionary. at this moment, if the general trend in our culture is moving towards anything, it is certainly not for doing less in the name of rest. it is to utilize the latest gadgets to do as much as possible. rather than allowing us more free time, most technology seems to give us more work and more stress. check the podcast out here, i think it's worth a listen.

recently, i've been thinking alot about the role of anxiety in my own life. my worry-free external persona is often an act, covering anxiety about some of the most mundane tasks. i wonder to what extent this anxiety is exacerbated by being connected to the internet all day long. i know the ability to learn next to nothing about almost any topic has destroyed my attention span. i also wonder the extent to which knowing about something i have to do the second the email arrives creates added stress.

i know that in many ways this topic is far from new. people much smarter than i have been saying "less is more" for years. it also seems like simplicity is definitely back in style, most likely as a result of our collectively hyperconnected lives. the super nerdy sci-fi part of my mind thinks that if the world was ever going to be taking over by machines, it wouldn't look anything like the movies. instead, we would simply continue down our current path, each generation altering their lifestyle more and more to accommodate the machines. i know this is ridiculous sounding, and i don't mean it in all seriousness, but i still think it's worth puzzling over. ok, maybe it's not worth puzzling over the robot takeover (and make no mistake, they will take over). but it is worth thinking about our own dependence on machines. don't worry, i'll continue to use my computer, i may even get a fancy phone one day. so i'm certainly not refuting my earlier point about technology, like most things, being both good and bad. but the more i think about it, the more difficult it seems to find the balance between owning the computer and the computer owning you.

my birthday party

about this time last week i was pretty frustrated with my wife. a few days earlier she'd told me we had to go to nashville for one final birthday present. i know, this makes me sound like an ass, which i am. but at least let me explain. first, we've been out of town a lot this summer. second, sonic youth was playing in st louis for free last weekend, i thought on saturday, leaving plenty of time for us to get back. last friday morning i checked the concert date and found it was set for friday evening. of course, i protested, "do we really have to go this weekend? why do we have to go to nashville to get this?" again, you can see what a jerk i am. my wife has a present for me in nashville, clearly she's put some thought and care into whatever it is, but i want my plan.

despite my efforts, we got on the road friday afternoon and drove to nashville, had dinner with my parents, and went to the barmes' house to hang out/receive my present. to some of you it might seem obvious what was coming next. the thought went through my mind several times during the 4.5 hour drive, "either she's gonna give me some lame antique that she bought in nashville, or all my friends will be there. she should know that all my friends would make me the most happy. just prepare for a random gift, jason. otherwise, you'll be disappointed." obviously, i'm egocentric and cared little for whatever my wife had actually invested in this present. it didn't help that i talked to several nashville friends along the way who told me they probably could not hang out friday night.

we arrived and anna and joe's house and said hello. franny urinated all over there brand new carpet so i took her out back. at this point, i had resigned to the belief that it was just the four of us hanging out. mildly dissappointed, but still happy to be among friends, i went out back and was surprised by everyone hiding under the porch.

you can check out the few picture we got of the party below. the last of us were up until 3, so i'd say most had a good time. in spite of my selfish whining, my wife planned a great birthday present.

drama

i was looking through old emails the other day and came across and something i'd written to myself over three years ago. i had just started my first job after college. now, it seems dramatic , miserable and verbose. but because i just found out i'll continue to work at that same job for the foreseeable future, it seems fitting to put it up here. i cringed re-reading it at times--fill free to ridicule me, but in some strange way, i'm also proud of myself for actually writing it when i did. my nature is to keep things bottled up and outwardly complain as little as possible. which is obviously not the healthiest way to live life. maybe i should be writing my thoughts more often as a way of processing my life. don't worry, this blog is not about to turn into a cyber-emotion vomit session.

here it is in all it's unedited glory.

It's the sitting that eventually wears me down, day by day. Sitting in the same place all day long, yet somehow still unable to make my body stand and walk around the office. Surely at the very least I could convince myself I needed to go to the bathroom.

No.

I sit. By the slight adjustment of my left foot, I can swing the swivel chair in quick, short motions—right to left. I instinctively twist my right index finger until it pops. This is perhaps the 22 ^nd time I have performed this procedure or ritual today.

Like I said, it's the sitting that eventually makes me feel numb. My body feels as if it were asleep but its not. Unfortunately, the same can be said of my brain. Though it's more asleep than any other portion of me now. My fingers tap keys with relative precision. I only use the delete key sparingly, which usually isn't a good thing. Editing is a good thing. But that's how I got here in the first place. Editing.

Trying to type up my thoughts to a best friend, I found myself editing every word I said. For every argument I made, the counter-argument came to my mind. It was not that these 'counter-arguments' were exceptional. My primary ones were probably no better. It was that they were there. There is nothing quite so staggering as having two converse thoughts in your mind. It forces you to tiredness.

Tiredness. The phrase that seems to always be with me, making me drag my own feet below me. Why is that? i don't stay up well into the night. I walk somewhat regularly. I don't smoke that much. Barely any at all. Yet I feel like I'm missing out on something. That, by being so tired, I have succumbed to some external force applying unrelenting pressure. I can't understand it other than by association. At this moment, I associate this feeling with my current occupation.

Unfortunately, they haven't come up with a word for what I do. 'Office lackey,' is my personal term for it. I suppose like any job, it has its moments. I've found that I simply enjoy completing a task and doing it well, if I can. This is what scares me.

If I enjoy the completion of a task, regardless of the task itself, why the sluggish feeling?

I know it's not necessarily this job that continues to grind me down--though I have hoped for so long that is was this job. It is just having a job. That freedom ripped from me and hidden forever. The monotony of a daily routine so endlessly unchanging, clinked into place. Its very presence pressing out with unrelenting vigor the joys of my previous life into an afterthought. Work must now become my life.

But wait. This is normal. Everyone in the middle to upper echelon experiences this transformation, both abrupt and total, right? Had we not known that moment (most will call this higher education) free of major responsibility and time constraint, we should, in fact, be enjoying our employment all the more. Had we not known a time of plenty, the want would not seem so wanton.

I suppose.

But how much of my current job is to do with me and how much is to do with it?

This is the moment the confusion and sometimes discouragement begins to set in. What if its my own laziness? What if its the fact that I'm not being motivated? And then the inevitable question that is yet further down the path of confusion, what if its both?

If my last question, prying and unrelenting is correct, then simply getting a different line of work would have varying degrees of success--in the light of finding joy in my employment.