i have a problem

the past couple weeks have been difficult.

two weeks ago i flew down to san antonio to see my grandfather probably for the last time. i don't throw that out lightly and am not even sure i want to blog about it. but there it is for now.

last week i found out that the little muscle (called a sphincter--is it a muscle?) between the top of my stomach and the bottom of my esophagus isn't working very well. when my stomach is digesting food, it allows acid back up into my esophagus, which can be really painful. it gets even worse when i sleep because lying down, the acid travels further. it's all real pleasant to imagine, i know. things started to go wrong when i noticed a persistent pain in my neck and throat around christmas. what the doctor initially thought was just a sinus infection now appears to be acid reflux disease. a trip to radiology at st. luke's confirmed it. i drank barium and the doctors x-rayed my esophagus as i swallowed. it was weird.

the main thing that this means is that i may have to be on medication for awhile and that i can eat practically nothing that tastes good. but in all seriousness, i don't think it's that bad. from what i've read, one of the biggest things i can do is to eat smaller portions and sleep with my head propped up. sadly, though sleeping with a wedge of pillows sounds comfortable, it actually isn't.

but just so you will always feel guilty enjoying yourself around me, let me tell you what i can't have anymore. no more coffee, liquor, tobacco (which needed to go anyway), fried foods, overly processed foods, tomatoes and citrus fruits, or greasy and oily foods. from what i can tell, i can still have beer in moderation, so i won't be giving up the bottle anytime soon. the craziest thing about the diet is that it mainly relegates me to much healthier food. and from what i understand, as i get better, i may be able to expand what i eat, as long as the portions remain smaller. basically, the prescription is "don't be a relentless consumer." the most difficult thing to lose has been coffee and tobacco--i need my legal addictive stimulants.

the most surprising thing about all of this was that--save the moment i wake up--missing out on caffeine hasn't been that bad. i hope to get to the point where i can have a cup of coffee and smoke my pipe every now and again, but i seem to be functioning close to normal for now. getting less jittery late in the morning is probably a good thing as well.

this will of course sound trite, but trying to shed these things over the past two weeks has made me realize the extent to which i cling to consumption for happiness. it feels like i have been just waiting for the next thing to eat, whether it be food, coffee, alcohol, movies, music or even what i could acquire from friendships. the thing that is so bizarre is that i don't typically miss any of the prohibited foods/stimulants in particular. every once in a while, i miss a giant greasy slice of pizza or fresh coffee. but mostly, i just want something in general. it seems like the thing i miss is unchecked consumption, the subject of is irrelevant.

so here's to turning new leafs, even if forced to do so.

things that make me laugh part vi

from the fail blog.
see more pwn and owned pictures

coraline

as a rule, if movies are made for kids and involve creepy stop motion, i like them. i can't believe i still haven't seen the corpse bride. so i was pretty excited when i heard about coraline and read good reviews. i've never read the book, so i had no real expectations going in. 

the movie did not disappoint. the plot is roughly about a young girl who discovers a magical world that seems a million times better than her own. but (shocker) it's not. though there's nothing new in this story, it's the delivery that is so great. even before it's revealed that coraline's wonderful alternate world is actually a pretty scary place, there a few clues that should raise an eyebrow (her alternate parents have buttons for eyes--wait, what?!). then, when the full transformation takes place, her alternate mother becomes a pretty freaky villain. prepare yourself. 

in fact, i thought this movie had a really good insight into parent-child relationships. it's pretty intense for any movie, especially one geared for children, to delve into the theme of love as consumption. after the movie, my mom (visiting stl for the weekend), remarked that she would never have taken us to see the film as children. for younger children, i would probably agree with my overprotective mother, but on the other hand, this is exactly the kind of kids movie i'd take an older child to see. when did fairy tales become un-creepy, anyway? 

though i just watched the film in lame 2d, there is a also a 3d version in theaters. i thought the movie was beautiful and would love to see selected scenes in 3d, but a full feature might be pushing it. 

confession

i have a confession. i publicly decry good bands that have attained popularity in a smug attempt to appear too "indie" or concerned with originality to be impressed.

i know, many of us put up some front regarding music that allows our tastes to seem somehow more informed. but a recent article from pitchfork about coldplay made me realize just how stupid and deep my hypocrisy runs (ironically, most of my snobbishness is encouraged by pitchfork).

a few months ago, my friend will asked me if had listened to the new coldplay album because he really liked it. without hesitation, i produced some lame quip that none of coldplay's songs make any sense (which is actually true, but irrelevant).

like any sane person, he responded that half the bands we listen to make no sense (if he recommends a band, i like it without fail, so he knows my music well). i think at that point i sputtered an inane response under my breath about how i was "just over their style" while i fumbled for a rational response in vain. i believe i tired to change the subject next.

what is so despicable is that i finally listened to the album (after a recommendation by another will) and liked it. of course, most of their songs still don't make sense. their thinly veiled and esoteric political statements just make me angry. but the music is still good. see, why couldn't i have said that to my friend and just enjoyed the music? 

this is just part of a wider trend in my life of making statements which sound good based on a preconceived notion of "true" art, political sensibilities, or lifestyle in general and then scrambling after the fact to find the reason behind them. why not just state up front what my personal taste is rather than perversely pretend there is empirical evidence behind it? i guess the need to feel important, original, or informed outweighs the simple pleasure of enjoying music with friends. 

it's great to have an opinion and even to have reasons for it. to portray them as anything other than taste is foolish. anyway, feel free to mock me whenever you hear self-important sounding speech.