i have a problem

the past couple weeks have been difficult.

two weeks ago i flew down to san antonio to see my grandfather probably for the last time. i don't throw that out lightly and am not even sure i want to blog about it. but there it is for now.

last week i found out that the little muscle (called a sphincter--is it a muscle?) between the top of my stomach and the bottom of my esophagus isn't working very well. when my stomach is digesting food, it allows acid back up into my esophagus, which can be really painful. it gets even worse when i sleep because lying down, the acid travels further. it's all real pleasant to imagine, i know. things started to go wrong when i noticed a persistent pain in my neck and throat around christmas. what the doctor initially thought was just a sinus infection now appears to be acid reflux disease. a trip to radiology at st. luke's confirmed it. i drank barium and the doctors x-rayed my esophagus as i swallowed. it was weird.

the main thing that this means is that i may have to be on medication for awhile and that i can eat practically nothing that tastes good. but in all seriousness, i don't think it's that bad. from what i've read, one of the biggest things i can do is to eat smaller portions and sleep with my head propped up. sadly, though sleeping with a wedge of pillows sounds comfortable, it actually isn't.

but just so you will always feel guilty enjoying yourself around me, let me tell you what i can't have anymore. no more coffee, liquor, tobacco (which needed to go anyway), fried foods, overly processed foods, tomatoes and citrus fruits, or greasy and oily foods. from what i can tell, i can still have beer in moderation, so i won't be giving up the bottle anytime soon. the craziest thing about the diet is that it mainly relegates me to much healthier food. and from what i understand, as i get better, i may be able to expand what i eat, as long as the portions remain smaller. basically, the prescription is "don't be a relentless consumer." the most difficult thing to lose has been coffee and tobacco--i need my legal addictive stimulants.

the most surprising thing about all of this was that--save the moment i wake up--missing out on caffeine hasn't been that bad. i hope to get to the point where i can have a cup of coffee and smoke my pipe every now and again, but i seem to be functioning close to normal for now. getting less jittery late in the morning is probably a good thing as well.

this will of course sound trite, but trying to shed these things over the past two weeks has made me realize the extent to which i cling to consumption for happiness. it feels like i have been just waiting for the next thing to eat, whether it be food, coffee, alcohol, movies, music or even what i could acquire from friendships. the thing that is so bizarre is that i don't typically miss any of the prohibited foods/stimulants in particular. every once in a while, i miss a giant greasy slice of pizza or fresh coffee. but mostly, i just want something in general. it seems like the thing i miss is unchecked consumption, the subject of is irrelevant.

so here's to turning new leafs, even if forced to do so.