drama

i was looking through old emails the other day and came across and something i'd written to myself over three years ago. i had just started my first job after college. now, it seems dramatic , miserable and verbose. but because i just found out i'll continue to work at that same job for the foreseeable future, it seems fitting to put it up here. i cringed re-reading it at times--fill free to ridicule me, but in some strange way, i'm also proud of myself for actually writing it when i did. my nature is to keep things bottled up and outwardly complain as little as possible. which is obviously not the healthiest way to live life. maybe i should be writing my thoughts more often as a way of processing my life. don't worry, this blog is not about to turn into a cyber-emotion vomit session.

here it is in all it's unedited glory.

It's the sitting that eventually wears me down, day by day. Sitting in the same place all day long, yet somehow still unable to make my body stand and walk around the office. Surely at the very least I could convince myself I needed to go to the bathroom.

No.

I sit. By the slight adjustment of my left foot, I can swing the swivel chair in quick, short motions—right to left. I instinctively twist my right index finger until it pops. This is perhaps the 22 ^nd time I have performed this procedure or ritual today.

Like I said, it's the sitting that eventually makes me feel numb. My body feels as if it were asleep but its not. Unfortunately, the same can be said of my brain. Though it's more asleep than any other portion of me now. My fingers tap keys with relative precision. I only use the delete key sparingly, which usually isn't a good thing. Editing is a good thing. But that's how I got here in the first place. Editing.

Trying to type up my thoughts to a best friend, I found myself editing every word I said. For every argument I made, the counter-argument came to my mind. It was not that these 'counter-arguments' were exceptional. My primary ones were probably no better. It was that they were there. There is nothing quite so staggering as having two converse thoughts in your mind. It forces you to tiredness.

Tiredness. The phrase that seems to always be with me, making me drag my own feet below me. Why is that? i don't stay up well into the night. I walk somewhat regularly. I don't smoke that much. Barely any at all. Yet I feel like I'm missing out on something. That, by being so tired, I have succumbed to some external force applying unrelenting pressure. I can't understand it other than by association. At this moment, I associate this feeling with my current occupation.

Unfortunately, they haven't come up with a word for what I do. 'Office lackey,' is my personal term for it. I suppose like any job, it has its moments. I've found that I simply enjoy completing a task and doing it well, if I can. This is what scares me.

If I enjoy the completion of a task, regardless of the task itself, why the sluggish feeling?

I know it's not necessarily this job that continues to grind me down--though I have hoped for so long that is was this job. It is just having a job. That freedom ripped from me and hidden forever. The monotony of a daily routine so endlessly unchanging, clinked into place. Its very presence pressing out with unrelenting vigor the joys of my previous life into an afterthought. Work must now become my life.

But wait. This is normal. Everyone in the middle to upper echelon experiences this transformation, both abrupt and total, right? Had we not known that moment (most will call this higher education) free of major responsibility and time constraint, we should, in fact, be enjoying our employment all the more. Had we not known a time of plenty, the want would not seem so wanton.

I suppose.

But how much of my current job is to do with me and how much is to do with it?

This is the moment the confusion and sometimes discouragement begins to set in. What if its my own laziness? What if its the fact that I'm not being motivated? And then the inevitable question that is yet further down the path of confusion, what if its both?

If my last question, prying and unrelenting is correct, then simply getting a different line of work would have varying degrees of success--in the light of finding joy in my employment.

soulard farmers market

a few weeks ago megan's brother and his girlfriend came to visit us in stl. being good st. louisans we showed one the city's treasures: the soulard farmer's market.

now is prime season for just about anything, so megan brought the camera along and snapped some excellent pictures. though i love the fresh produce, my staples are the cheap all-beef hotdogs and beer you can purchase onsite.

the people are pretty awesome, too. most cruise the peddler's nooks, looking for the coming week's produce, but a i think more than a few just come to drink bloody marys on saturday morning and walk around. i understand that the market has become a become a kind of tourist attraction, but luckily it's not too annoying. i've had some of my best saturday mornings there.

new media

tipped off by another blog, i began following the riots in tehran and the rest of iran via twitter today. an occasional twitterer, i have rarely followed the trends on twitter until today. after a few minutes, i was addicted. not only are users in iran reporting events there as they occur, they are also using the service to coordinate protests. i can sit at my desk and read about events literally as they happen across world, from the perspective of the people actually there. not even the 24 hour news channels can give me this. the prospect is frightening.

on one hand, i can't stop reading. that some sort of revolution may be occurring before our eyes online is amazing and hope-bearing. it seems like pundits and nerds have been toting the extra-social implications of facebook and twitter for a long time. other than the obama campaign, this is the first time the utilities have really had a major role to play in the political scene. it is exciting to witness. i hope that truth and justice prevails in iran.

on the other hand, i fear that this could be nothing more than "some weird voyeurism (no idea on the source here, i believe it is a comment on a youtube video of the protests)"--an extension of current hyper-connected media outlets. what does my ability to witness iranian intellectuals and middle class protest a dishonest and oppressive government have to do with their struggle?

in some real ways, what we're seeing in iran via twitter goes beyond 5 minute updates on CNN. the updates come from protesters in the field, not from a news correspondent or even via an interview. the protesters themselves are using the service to coordinate, allowing users around the globe to interact and perhaps even contribute in small ways. throughout the day, users have been posting proxy address that allow users inside iran to bypass government filtering.

but in many other ways, reality remains the same. though we can see the brutality of the government crushing dissent firsthand, i fear that the images will be lost amid a sea of violence that floods u.s. and worldwide audiences every day. though personal interaction in new media removes many of the alienating aspects of traditional media, i wonder what it will actually change. our skins are thick and the problems of the world seem so daunting.

this is not to say that all of new media is nothing but the same. my views on the world are shaped far more by blogs and podcasts than by traditional media sources and i consider this a good thing. but both do require the understanding that there is nothing without bias or interpretation. i suppose you at least get to chose whose filter to receive the world through.

regardless of the reaction of the witnessing world, it is certainly true that outcome of the next few days will be wholly left up to the iranians. i have no idea what will happen, but it seems like the worst thing that can happen is nothing.

update: the new york times has a good article about twitter in iran here. twitter postponed a scheduled maintenance downtime, acknowledging of the service's significance in iran.

and this is a hopeful blog post from the daily beast. excerpt: "like civil rights protestors who sang rousing hymns as they were carried off to jail, twitterers are bearing witness to what's happening around them, and calling out into the darkenss of cyberspace for confirmation."

where HAVE i been?

i'll just skip over any apology to my readers. i know i've talked to the two of you in the months intervening my posts anyway. at this point, this blog seems to be really for myself and i can't even keep it up with that in mind. 

a couple months ago, i got a call from my boss. given to pessimism, at least internally, i'd imagined a call like this before. it was still a big shock. "we're going to have to move you to part time." to be honest, it was not as bad as i feared. but i was not getting a raise, either. so i began again my uncertain search for a new job, either part or full time. 

i had about a month from that phone call until my pay went to part time. i don't remember exactly how many applications i submitted. i don't want to exaggerate and claim it was in the hundreds, but 50 is safe number. the month began to wind down and i had no real leads. i'm not naturally inclined towards stress, but that last week, i felt like some giant thing was grinding mercilessly towards me and would certainly crush me. that's bit melodramatic, but it felt that way. 

providentially, i received two calls back later that week. one landed me a job interviewing teenagers for a study with a university here in town. it was supposed to last until this summer. it ended this week instead. while i'm grateful for the work, it got old. really fast. for the past month i was cruising malls, creepily asking teenagers for their opinion. recruiting anyone for a survey can be draining work. getting turned down by pre-teens was excruciating at times.

but, like i said, it was work. now, i'm back to the drawing board. i've got a couple more leads that will hopefully materialize into some manual labor soon. after a few years of white collar boredom, it'll be nice to get paid for using my hands again. 

i'm also hoping to branch out in my regular work. though only a hobby, i have always enjoyed graphic design (new logo, above). i'm going to begin tutorial in adobe's latest creative suite sometime next month. i hope i can develop this an additional skill. depending on my success, i may even go back to school. but i'm not willing to think about that too much right now. so if you're in need of a little design work, let me know. i'm completely fine learning on the job.

so there's my explanation for the past few months. look for another post sometime around july.

george clooney is a real person

[this post was supposed to go out last week. my abysmal blogging habits continue to disappoint even my expectations. so, one week later, here it is]

my half-hearted belief that modern film actors don't exist except as ones and zeroes on gigantic hard drives in studio back lots died on monday evening. up the block from our house, we caught george clooney and crew filming a scene for up in the air. when i say "caught," i mean we stood with a group of about 50 people and watched a movie being made across the street. i'm 95% positive that the tanish grayish head i saw driving a red chrysler was his. 

he and accompanying actress pulled into the front of the cheshire parking lot a few times and then production moved inside. while the cheshire's "fox and hound" bar is my favorite location to drink beer and pretend to be in england or a cheeky fake england, i was a little surprised they wanted to film there. it got even weirder when we realized the production crew had put wisconsin plates on all the cars. wtf?!

when you see a shabby, kitsch, tudor style motel in the movie and assume by the cars' plates you're in wisconsin, remember that it's actually missouri and my mission will have been accomplished.

where the wild things are

i know i've been absent for too long. and i promise a more in depth post soon. but for now, enjoy.

hat tip to em for mentioning the song and to AustinatMCG  for posting the linke via twitter. this made my afternoon.

i have a problem

the past couple weeks have been difficult.

two weeks ago i flew down to san antonio to see my grandfather probably for the last time. i don't throw that out lightly and am not even sure i want to blog about it. but there it is for now.

last week i found out that the little muscle (called a sphincter--is it a muscle?) between the top of my stomach and the bottom of my esophagus isn't working very well. when my stomach is digesting food, it allows acid back up into my esophagus, which can be really painful. it gets even worse when i sleep because lying down, the acid travels further. it's all real pleasant to imagine, i know. things started to go wrong when i noticed a persistent pain in my neck and throat around christmas. what the doctor initially thought was just a sinus infection now appears to be acid reflux disease. a trip to radiology at st. luke's confirmed it. i drank barium and the doctors x-rayed my esophagus as i swallowed. it was weird.

the main thing that this means is that i may have to be on medication for awhile and that i can eat practically nothing that tastes good. but in all seriousness, i don't think it's that bad. from what i've read, one of the biggest things i can do is to eat smaller portions and sleep with my head propped up. sadly, though sleeping with a wedge of pillows sounds comfortable, it actually isn't.

but just so you will always feel guilty enjoying yourself around me, let me tell you what i can't have anymore. no more coffee, liquor, tobacco (which needed to go anyway), fried foods, overly processed foods, tomatoes and citrus fruits, or greasy and oily foods. from what i can tell, i can still have beer in moderation, so i won't be giving up the bottle anytime soon. the craziest thing about the diet is that it mainly relegates me to much healthier food. and from what i understand, as i get better, i may be able to expand what i eat, as long as the portions remain smaller. basically, the prescription is "don't be a relentless consumer." the most difficult thing to lose has been coffee and tobacco--i need my legal addictive stimulants.

the most surprising thing about all of this was that--save the moment i wake up--missing out on caffeine hasn't been that bad. i hope to get to the point where i can have a cup of coffee and smoke my pipe every now and again, but i seem to be functioning close to normal for now. getting less jittery late in the morning is probably a good thing as well.

this will of course sound trite, but trying to shed these things over the past two weeks has made me realize the extent to which i cling to consumption for happiness. it feels like i have been just waiting for the next thing to eat, whether it be food, coffee, alcohol, movies, music or even what i could acquire from friendships. the thing that is so bizarre is that i don't typically miss any of the prohibited foods/stimulants in particular. every once in a while, i miss a giant greasy slice of pizza or fresh coffee. but mostly, i just want something in general. it seems like the thing i miss is unchecked consumption, the subject of is irrelevant.

so here's to turning new leafs, even if forced to do so.

things that make me laugh part vi

from the fail blog.
see more pwn and owned pictures

coraline

as a rule, if movies are made for kids and involve creepy stop motion, i like them. i can't believe i still haven't seen the corpse bride. so i was pretty excited when i heard about coraline and read good reviews. i've never read the book, so i had no real expectations going in. 

the movie did not disappoint. the plot is roughly about a young girl who discovers a magical world that seems a million times better than her own. but (shocker) it's not. though there's nothing new in this story, it's the delivery that is so great. even before it's revealed that coraline's wonderful alternate world is actually a pretty scary place, there a few clues that should raise an eyebrow (her alternate parents have buttons for eyes--wait, what?!). then, when the full transformation takes place, her alternate mother becomes a pretty freaky villain. prepare yourself. 

in fact, i thought this movie had a really good insight into parent-child relationships. it's pretty intense for any movie, especially one geared for children, to delve into the theme of love as consumption. after the movie, my mom (visiting stl for the weekend), remarked that she would never have taken us to see the film as children. for younger children, i would probably agree with my overprotective mother, but on the other hand, this is exactly the kind of kids movie i'd take an older child to see. when did fairy tales become un-creepy, anyway? 

though i just watched the film in lame 2d, there is a also a 3d version in theaters. i thought the movie was beautiful and would love to see selected scenes in 3d, but a full feature might be pushing it. 

confession

i have a confession. i publicly decry good bands that have attained popularity in a smug attempt to appear too "indie" or concerned with originality to be impressed.

i know, many of us put up some front regarding music that allows our tastes to seem somehow more informed. but a recent article from pitchfork about coldplay made me realize just how stupid and deep my hypocrisy runs (ironically, most of my snobbishness is encouraged by pitchfork).

a few months ago, my friend will asked me if had listened to the new coldplay album because he really liked it. without hesitation, i produced some lame quip that none of coldplay's songs make any sense (which is actually true, but irrelevant).

like any sane person, he responded that half the bands we listen to make no sense (if he recommends a band, i like it without fail, so he knows my music well). i think at that point i sputtered an inane response under my breath about how i was "just over their style" while i fumbled for a rational response in vain. i believe i tired to change the subject next.

what is so despicable is that i finally listened to the album (after a recommendation by another will) and liked it. of course, most of their songs still don't make sense. their thinly veiled and esoteric political statements just make me angry. but the music is still good. see, why couldn't i have said that to my friend and just enjoyed the music? 

this is just part of a wider trend in my life of making statements which sound good based on a preconceived notion of "true" art, political sensibilities, or lifestyle in general and then scrambling after the fact to find the reason behind them. why not just state up front what my personal taste is rather than perversely pretend there is empirical evidence behind it? i guess the need to feel important, original, or informed outweighs the simple pleasure of enjoying music with friends. 

it's great to have an opinion and even to have reasons for it. to portray them as anything other than taste is foolish. anyway, feel free to mock me whenever you hear self-important sounding speech.